“We Are Honored to Stand By The Man Who Indirectly Tried to Assassinate Us!” - A Joint Statement from Prominent Republicans in Support of Donald Trump
“The Manhattan courthouse where former President Trump is on trial has become the latest proving ground for Republicans to show their loyalty and bolster their credentials with Team Trump.” – The Hill, May 15th, 2024
We are here today to support our once and future president Donald J. Trump, the man who actively encouraged a mob to publicly lynch some of us, as he endures this sham of a trial. This is a miscarriage of justice over non-existent events. We claim to firmly believe this despite mountains of written and recorded evidence to the contrary, not to mention damning testimony from former colleagues who were aware of these actions and even helped carry them out. It is a blatant, pathetic campaign of election interference engineered by the Democratic party, an entity with no involvement in this matter whatsoever and no say in Mr. Trump’s arraignment or prosecution. We will keep our comments brief to avoid a collective manic episode on our part, screaming into a void of our own making as a baffled public looks on.
One would think we’re either insane, or extraordinarily stupid to do this. We vividly remember hiding in fear as a handful of heroic, minimally armed Capitol Police officers led the mob away from us. Why in God’s Name would we ever support the man who enabled this? Simple. We’re a party of cowardly, hypocritical sacks of shit that simultaneously hate and live in craven, obsequiousness-inducing fear of Donald J. Trump. We’ll do anything to retain our tenuous positions of power as we and our regressive beliefs age into obsolescence and slowly die off. To paraphrase the man himself, Trump alone can fix it! If goading a gang of bloodthirsty fuckwits into an act of murderous insurrection isn’t an example of leadership at its finest, what is?
Those of us who were at the Capitol on that dark day are happy to contradict the statements we made in its immediate aftermath. You know, the ones where we said we feared for our lives and those of our family members as that nightmare scenario we aided and abetted ensued? That ought to tilt things in our favor, especially if we can make any sort of Democratic criticism seem like a partisan power grab on their part. How’s this for a partisan power grab? As GOP-led state legislatures continue to pass laws that make voting more difficult, they’re also installing officials who will refuse to confirm valid election results, especially when we don’t win! We’ll regain the Senate and expand our majority in the House from redistricting everything in our favor. Good luck beating us at the ballot box in a voting block so gerrymandered that looking at it on a map induces vertigo. All we need to do is sell what’s left our souls to a man whose actions we’ve enabled have already condemned them to an eternity in hell.
Fellow Americans, vote Trump 2024! Make America great again-again! Also, if you have a shred of compassion in your hearts, please put a bullet through ours if this orange garbage bag full of yogurt somehow manages to win again. Don’t forget to save a round for yourselves. It’s an act of self-mercy, and you will be forgiven. We know we won’t.