“Take Us to Your Leader, and Someone Who Can Help Us Score Tickets to the Eras Tour!”
Greetings, Earthlings! We come in peace! Take us to…wait for it…your leader! Sorry, we couldn’t resist. But seriously, folks, it’s great to finally make first contact. Our cultures can learn much from each other, and we think our highly advanced technology will be of great benefit to you in the next phase of your evolution. We only ask one thing in exchange: Can you maybe see about helping us get tickets to Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour? Confused? We totally understand! Please allow us to Speak Now. See what we did there?
Over countless millennia, we have developed the capability to travel from one end of the universe to the other and reaped the knowledge that comes of it. We have discovered the pathway to neo-human advancement, an innate capability you all possess as well. Remember 2001: A Space Odyssey? That was a documentary! We were the ones pulling the strings just outside the confines of the screen. Pretty wild, huh? We’ve been observing your advancement since day one with the utmost anticipation for this moment. All we ask in return is a little Taylor time. She’s playing the Tokyo Dome soon, and we are obviously willing to travel!
You see, Ms. Swift’s influence goes far beyond the confines of Top 40 pop. “You Need to Calm Down,” a song that advocates LBGTQ+ equality, also subliminally transmits coded script for the Universal Happiness Equation; radiating vibes of acceptance and prompts for Queer Eye rewatches to all within earshot! Do you think the Obergefell v. Hodges decision was a coincidence? You should really work on codifying that, by the way.
We have disproven the existence of any being you refer to as God, but the closest approximation to it is a little blonde girl who grew up on a Christmas tree farm in rural Pennsylvania. If that sounds improbable, consider the birthplace of Jesus Christ. “Manger?” “Christmas tree farm?” She wrote a holiday song specifically called “Christmas Tree Farm!” This isn’t a coincidence! Sorry to raise our voices, but she brings that out in us. “Look What You Made Me Do,” right?
We realize this is no small ask, but surely the enlightenment we offer is a more than fair trade. You there, human! You are wearing an Eras-specific concert tee! Enlighten us, please, as to how you--oh, ordered online? Yeah, that makes sense. Even we couldn’t navigate through the digital morass of unregulated, self-inflicted scalping that is Ticketmaster. Ms. Swift certainly knows something about that phenomenon. Just a suggestion here, but that’s a monopoly you should strongly consider breaking up. Ask Taylor to help! Surely she will light your way.
We’re sorry to begin our relationship on a quid pro quo, but Earth is unique among the planets we have explored. The same species that produced Big Mouth Billy Bass, Crocs, and capital punishment also gave rise to William Shakespeare, Albert Einstein, and Toni Morrison. Not to mention frosé! Want some? *fires pro-matter energy beam from forehead* Enjoy! Do you prefer margaritas? We can do that too. *fires beam* Heck, if you’d like theme-appropriate live music, we can resurrect Jimmy Buffett! *fires beam* From what we understand, things are only continuing to get hotter here thanks to centuries of fossil fuel use and its resultant carbon accumulation. We can show you how to reverse the climate crisis that prompted this little party, but the pinnacle of your world’s culture is undeniably Taylor Swift. Is this hyperbole? Dude, have you listened to Midnights? Cue that one up after “Cheeseburger in Paradise” and hear it for yourself. How many times can you tolerate “Margaritaville,” anyway?
Consider our offer carefully, for we hold the secrets of the universe. We also hold none of you in contempt but come on! As an omnipotent being we all know and worship once said, “why you gotta be so mean…?”